Verse

This girl is all kinds of revived cuz its just after half past five and the weekend has arrived' a time to kick back 'n jive... in the city that don't sleep is all but bleak put yer hands up if ya feel its beat!

Peeeeaacceeee......

We only know kindness by experiencing such malevolence....

I wrote this several years ago, dedicated to myself... and now, my dear, I pass this on to you.... Please wipe those tears away. They aren't worth the unworthy. It gets better as you get stronger; easier as you move onwards...
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You Hack

....So you think you're slick treating her the way you do sliding yourself into her innocence stealing her warmth for your cold using her like you do a cheap car riding her until she falls apart watching her pain inside out wounding her with a knife of a heart making her breathe your insidious soul that inevitably engulfs like a black hole convincingly creating happiness through words of sin forcing her to listen through your eyes of tin feeling your skin so misleadingly warm its contribution nothing less than suicidal harm whispering imagination ceasing to exist for that selfish pleasure you crave below your waist.
--------------------------------

Take a look in the mirror you unworthy hack and see the impiety staring right back...

The Clench...

The clench twisting my soul questioning why I feel the way I feel why I love the way I love why I moan the way I do when you place a part of your being inside me so sweetly and softly knowing that no intentions of deceit exist only love so swift while I lay in bed every night dreaming of something I now have feeling so close yet so far from that passionate touch that and intense sigh leaving me with tangible substance so beautiful and permanent intangible desire unexplainable and reckless failing to reach day in and day out I fall too quickly cry to easily and think too hastily uncontrollably never deliberately being the way it is craving the warmth you never make be because it just is so tender so real almost surreal will never run astray or try to hide away while my heart spills out questions of time trying to find answers to your voice and smile circling in my mind feeling wild and free adoring the spark you place inside me so why the clench twisting my soul that I shall never know...

The mystery of music on our minds (and hearts)

I always wonder why and more importantly how some music touches us to the very depths of our soul… How a melody instantly captivates us; evoking a myriad of emotions; instilling radiance full of inspiration, happiness, excitement, beauty, hope, and at the same time a deep sense of sadness, anger, hate, lust, and questioning that only our unique experiences can induce.

How can one quantify or even study the robust neurological effects of music when the emotion it brings to mind is so subjective? Music is undeniably emotionally powerful, regardless of degree, and is experienced in countless ways by each of us. Our emotional responses are affected by a multitude of factors; memories associated to a song, the environment, our specific mood at the specific time we’re taking in a track, our unique personalities, the culture we were raised in; by an endless number of factors both impossible to control and impossible to measure. That said, how can we ever deduce the intrinsic quality of a piece of music and the specific emotional response it creates?

There have been several studies performed indicating the possibility to see and measure our emotional responses to music through the use of imagery techniques. But the data could never be accurate given the subjective nature of our emotional responses. These studies can neither explain the how nor the why, but only confirm the already known neurological effects of music on the mind…

To say the least, the intricacies of our mind are truly extraordinary in every sense of the word. They leave me utterly speechless...

History has been made in these United States of America

America's two most influential speeches of our time...

History has been made.....and no words can describe how proud and honored I am to bear witness; to be a part of; to willingly embrace such change...

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Remarks of President-Elect Barack Obama – Victory Speech - Monday, November 4th, 2008 - Grank Park, Chicago, IL

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It’s the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day. It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he’s fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nations next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House. And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics - you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington - it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generations apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didn’t do this just to win an election and I know you didn’t do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage, or pay their doctors bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it’s been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, its that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers - in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House - a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, We are not enemies, but friends...though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you. And to all those who have wondered if Americas beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America - that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that’s on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She’s a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing - Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons - because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.
And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we cant, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that We Shall Overcome. Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

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Remarks of Senator Barack Obama – New Hampshire Primary - Tuesday, January 8th , 2008 - Nashua, New Hampshire


A few weeks ago, no one imagined that we'd have accomplished what we did here tonight. For most of this campaign, we were far behind, and we always knew our climb would be steep.


But in record numbers, you came out and spoke up for change. And with your voices and your votes, you made it clear that at this moment – in this election - there is something happening in America.

There is something happening when men and women in Des Moines and Davenport; in Lebanon and Concord come out in the snows of January to wait in lines that stretch block after block because they believe in what this country can be.

There is something happening when Americans who are young in age and in spirit - who have never before participated in politics - turn out in numbers we've never seen because they know in their hearts that this time must be different.

There is something happening when people vote not just for the party they belong to but the hopes they hold in common - that whether we are rich or poor; black or white; Latino or Asian; whether we hail from Iowa or New Hampshire, Nevada or South Carolina, we are ready to take this country in a fundamentally new direction. That is what's happening in America right now. Change is what's happening in America.

You can be the new majority who can lead this nation out of a long political darkness - Democrats, Independents and Republicans who are tired of the division and distraction that has clouded Washington; who know that we can disagree without being disagreeable; who understand that if we mobilize our voices to challenge the money and influence that's stood in our way and challenge ourselves to reach for something better, there's no problem we can't solve - no destiny we cannot fulfill.

Our new American majority can end the outrage of unaffordable, unavailable health care in our time. We can bring doctors and patients; workers and businesses, Democrats and Republicans together; and we can tell the drug and insurance industry that while they'll get a seat at the table, they don't get to buy every chair. Not this time. Not now.

Our new majority can end the tax breaks for corporations that ship our jobs overseas and put a middle-class tax cut into the pockets of the working Americans who deserve it.

We can stop sending our children to schools with corridors of shame and start putting them on a pathway to success. We can stop talking about how great teachers are and start rewarding them for their greatness. We can do this with our new majority.

We can harness the ingenuity of farmers and scientists; citizens and entrepreneurs to free this nation from the tyranny of oil and save our planet from a point of no return.

And when I am President, we will end this war in Iraq and bring our troops home; we will finish the job against al Qaeda in Afghanistan; we will care for our veterans; we will restore our moral standing inthe world; and we will never use 9/11 as a way to scare up votes, because it is not a tactic to win an election, it is a challenge that should unite America and the world against the common threats of thetwenty-first century: terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease.

All of the candidates in this race share these goals. All have good ideas. And all are patriots who serve this country honorably.

But the reason our campaign has always been different is because it's not just about what I will do as President, it's also about what you, the people who love this country, can do to change it.

That's why tonight belongs to you. It belongs to the organizers and the volunteers and the staff who believed in our improbable journey and rallied so many others to join.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can withstand the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.

Yes we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom through the darkest of nights.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can.

And so tomorrow, as we take this campaign South and West; as we learn that the struggles of the textile worker in Spartanburg are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in Las Vegas; that the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America's story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea - Yes. We. Can.

Present Memory....

Sweet memories softening inside lightful bliss never faded nor remotely jaded warming the body to a tasteful sweat wetting the heart with sighs so intense words so simple abundant with depth a glance so real reality absurdly surreal a once unattainable desire living its truth and one touch so passionate sudden shivers so immaculate craving to give more so much to adore while taking it smooth and simple with care so pure and nimble strong feelings to endure a gentle smile sincere laughter imminent cravings of the time after and not even a glimpse of us has begun plenty with fate's permission is soon to come...

Stream of consciousness of the unknown

Listening to the beat of truth floating through my mind of both bliss and sorrow aware of the potential risk that imminent pain may cause yet turning a blind eye and shaking away the lies that keep returning to haunt my surreal ties of passion and warmth with an image of sweetness and love truly endless so time slowly passes not knowing what is to come whether bitter tears or serene laughter will become my reality of conflict between past and present and all those questions left floating amidst the fog of fear and risk while I lay down looking at the pale and empty wall resembling the unknown in my mind with the tension of emptiness and the scorching clench in my stomach unable to differentiate happiness from sadness anxiety from excitement nor elation from apprehension and haunching something so foreboding yet so right feeling a sentiment so pleasant yet sorrowful and knowing something so romantic yet brutal which leaves me in a state of the unknown once again an abundance of questions left unanswered that only the vicious cycle of time can tell...

A mask of two foes

Mental chaos; surreal, seeming unreal; absurd and quite disturbed. Masking ourselves with joy, with laughter, with cheer; amusing ourselves with the superiority of a wretched sneer. Loving ourselves for the mold that society creates; isolating ourselves from the propensities people hate. Shedding our tears in silence and in hiding; conveying laughter though emotions are colliding. Enjoying the passions our environment dominates; proving the character that society tolerates. This mask is a creation of unknown denial, compelling us to resist the pleasures of innate survival… All while the warm heart beating against a mind of wretched thoughts; pounding to the words that tightly knot; choking to the fears of what the imagination has brought; screaming to the tension of the mind's force; bleeding from the pain it refuses to divorce. The warm heart crying out verses of craving passion; the mind retaliating in codes of stern fashion. Conflict building between two foes, a cancerous imbalance begins to grow; an insidious result begins to show, imminent decease being the only path for these two helpless souls.

Nostalgia...

oh such a sweet sound evoking blissful memories.; the kind that take you back to true comfort... nostalgia...
If only one can turn back time...

Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh, I beg, I beg and plead, singing

Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can't be named
Tigers waiting to be tamed, singing

You are
You are

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop but you now know, singing

Come out upon my seas, Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease?, singing

You are, you are, you are
You are, you are, you are

And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are
You are

Home, home where I wanted to be
Home, home where I wanted to be
Home, home where I wanted to be
Home, home where I wanted to be

- Clocks by Cold Play

No title necessary...

The intricacies of the present are daunting, yet uncontrollable in my mind. It’s to the point where I’m unable to compartmentalize the wrong from the right, all a blur at this point. I try to rationalize my life, predict the unknown, plan for what’s in sight, yet impossible all at the same time. It’s a viscous cycle confined by responsibility; can lead to mendacity and overall superficiality. The mind needs limits to avoid anarchy but the constriction is mayhem in and of itself. How do you find that balance between freedom and convention? Where is that fine line between too much and too little?

Maybe, just maybe, it’ll all come to me if I just let things be…

Kind of like my state of mind...

Oil Painting by AntyX

Pretty Things....

Photos by AntyX

"Sometimes, you just need something a little pretty to remember..."

Mourning this Day of the Unforeseen

Waking up to the unknown screams still seeming like an unreal dream… remembering the innocent cries, the whys, all the glassy eyes… A part of the city dies, along with many ties, will remain strong and never compromise…

Terror undeserved to those unreserved repeating time and time the holy verse… Living lives rather than being hypnotized unlike those of the wretched kind… Seems like yesterday I was shocked to realize the truisms of these unforgivable crimes…

Mourning this day of the unforeseen, praying the innocent rest in peace…

God Bless...

The Rain; The Lord's Crying Game...

My mind is drenched from the pouring rain
I feel you Lord through this crying game
Please hear me out despite the shame
Please hold me back before I go insane

The past is fierce
The present mundane
I look at a future unable to ascertain

My mind is drenched from this pouring rain
Your strident thunder,
I feel the pain...

Please listen to my words
My timid scream
Please help me understand
The unknown
The surreal

My mind is drenched from this pouring rain
Oh forgive me Lord
Forgive my make...

The rain; the Lord’s crying game...

Principles or regulations governing conduct, action, procedure, and arrangement

There are too many rules these days that chain our society, supposedly for the good of the whole... But really now, how many of them actually benefit mankind in the large scheme of things?
- The government inundates us with them…
- Religion hypnotizes us with them…
- Generations drown us in them…
And after all that, they’re always broken anyway… I’m sick of having my liberties laid out for me; quite the irony of ‘the land of the free…’

I received my condo ‘house rules’ manual the other day – 50 pages… 50 damn pages of rules for an apartment I coughed up 790K for…!

The two below undoubtedly take the cake...
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"Any bodily fluids in any common area..." Would this include defecating?

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Are you serious?

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Reading through the mediocrity made me quite conscious of the absurdity of frivolous procedure... So I took a walk around my neighborhood this evening and literally counted at least seven “NO” signs in one square block... Yes... SEVEN... Please tell me how these contribute to the well being of mankind?


Damn.... Not even to use the Rent-A-John?




What? Park where? Or does there have to be a sign for the sake of a sign...


Dudes... I was rollerblading there just the other day... What a waste...



Relax... I'm just parking...




Absolutely? Oh my!




Because one sign is just not enough...





It's a friggin' dog run!

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Catch my gist?

Boulevard of Broken Dreams... - Green Day

“I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone..

Read between the lines of what's fucked up and everything's all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone…”
- GD

To think that the city of New York is full of this… so empty, so sad…

Back to fantasy...

I had quite an eclectic conversation with D this afternoon about erotic fantasy… about what secretly makes our blood boil behind the routine of everyday life…. It was eye-opening and intensely liberating to openly express 'taboo' thoughts that are usually tucked away in the very far reaches of one’s mind… especially with a significant other.

What if mental prohibition was actually realized? Anonymous encounters, voyeurism, threesomes, swinging, public eroticism, bondage… the list goes on…. Would the thrill remain solid? Would the actual idea remain as alluring as the mind portrays? These questions will constantly churn in one’s mind and without exploration of these untapped whims, they will undoubtedly remain unanswered, regardless of preconceived notions…

Sexual charge and fire; taking the lust to another level to intensify what already exists… I crave to untie the knot of inhibition that holds us back from the unknown… the unknown which to most is as frightening as sin….

The point of no return has arrived, welcomed with exhilaration and open arms… I can’t truly articulate what I don’t know but can still await the infinite possibilities with sheer anticipation…

A very possible instigation to an untouched part of oneself….

Normalcy

Normal (nôr'məl)

• Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical
• Functioning or occurring in a natural way; lacking observable abnormalities or deficiencies.
• Something normal; the standard:
• The usual or expected state, form, amount, or degree

Normalcy (nôr'məl-sē)

• the quality or condition of being normal, as the general economic, political, and social conditions of a nation; - being within certain limits that define the range of normal functioning
• expectedness as a consequence of being usual or regular or common

So back to the inquiry of what normalcy really is since the definitions listed above from the American Heritage Dictionary don’t mean crap.

The idea is subjective therefore does not exist as a quantifiable entity….Who are we to judge what normality is? Is it what we’ve been brought up to believe? What society constrains us with? What religion defines…?

The average and the common are considered normal. But this is undoubtedly unsatisfactory and incomplete. Conforming to social edicts and mores does not by any means guarantee normalcy. Think about anomic societies and periods of history such as Hitler's Germany or Stalin's Russia. Model citizens in these hellish environments were the criminal and the sadist – the abnormal….

My very subjective definition of Normalcy: BALANCE. And how many of us are truly balanced?

I've caved in...

Back to where I was 4 months ago but not... I've missed this, the freedom involved in articulating infinite thoughts, unreal desires and intimate idealizations. So, I'm back and starting with....

Him...
A desired fantasy of a human being

The way he makes me feel, touching my skin in a way so real, easing me inside with such passionate sighs, filling my void, whispering words of desire, making me sweat, taking me high, capturing my soul, my mind, his indescribable smile, his sparkling eyes, gently, he takes me from behind, making me cry, not out of sorrow, out of divine, he thinks so deep, is quiet inside, refusing to break out tension from the past, he's come a long ride, actions tell me louder than any words shall say, his dreams, his desires, making them come to life with such fire, no riches involved, no dependence at all, he knows what he wants and so he strives, his love for me, our life, his selflessness to himself and I, our world, allowing me to unconditionally love him, with no blinks, no turns...

I came across this poem that I wrote two years ago and made me think of fantasy and it's existence or lack thereof... Why does the mind create images and entire stories of a life you don't have? People you've never met? Desires you can't attain? Ideas lacking any conceivable realism? Most of which are all symbols of unattainable pleasure, pleasure that reality does not bring. "Follow your dreams..." they say. If we truly followed our dreams (which arguably are mere fantasies), we'd likely end up in jail, divorced, alone, diseased, or dead....

Just a few thoughts to welcome me back... :-)

Cheers....

Anonymity

It's been a while... not sure why. Maybe due to the fact that nothing is anonymous... Maybe I'll come back one day and start again, but for now, I'll keep my introspections where they belong....

Dreams

I've been having very vivid dreams lately... The kind where you wake up and can't exactly remember the context except for the fact that you had them. You remember the people involved, their faces, the location where they took place... but you can't remember any of the specific details, except for the feeling they leave behind....

Are dreams truly an extension of reality? If so, I am truly fucked up... LOL... What is it that they're trying to tell me (if anything at all)? Are they punishing me for my wrong-doings? I talk about my dreams as if 'they' are a kind of force, when in reality, it's simply my mind punishing me... I am punishing myself because of my actions these past several months, and it's all coming out when I sleep. No wonder I'm constantly drained with thought-provoking images that come up during a time when one's mind is supposed to be resting... They say time is a healer... and when I use "they", I'm talking about people and their experiences, publications and their logic.... I just wonder if I'm ever going to truly heal from this.... My rational tells me I will, but my unwanted thoughts, day and night, cause doubt...

We'll see (and when I say 'we', I refer to my mind, heart, and body).... I guess everything comes down to time - its endless possibilities, and the lack there of...

Progress...

Preparing for an imminent but only possible career progression... Been working towards it since the start, and can only hope that my efforts pull through.... I helped create it, and suggested that it open up to any interested parties for the sake of fairness... Deep inside, I know I deserve it and have already stepped into the role out of pure initiative, but nothing is a guarantee...

Two internal interviews coming up tomorrow and two more over the next couple of weeks.

I really want this, and will be very disappointed in no one but myself I don't get there...

untitled

came home from work 20 minutes ago.... 8:30 PM on a Friday night…. D is away this weekend so I didn't really have a reason to shut down my outlook email and call it day... Coming home to me isn’t the most exciting of prospects… but I'm finally here... It's silent... I'm exhausted... The mental and emotional overload is enough to make any normal human being crawl into bed, fall asleep, and never want to wake up. The problem is... I'm far from normal...

I turned on the TV to CNN.... Funeral Blast in Pakistan, 20 killed in Gaza strike, Fighting stops aid for Darfur refugees, 'Chemical Ali' execution approved....

All so fucking depressing.... I turned the TV off, sat in silence, and closed my eyes... The thoughts, the feelings; all so overwhelming… I despise my actions for so many reasons… They’ve caused hurt… They’ve caused pain to good people…. To myself…

I’m exhausted… and far...very, very far from normal...

I'm sorry....

I'm so...so sorry, D.... Amidst the sorrow and the guilt, I've never been more awake, never been more sentient in my entire life...

I am unreservedly thankful for this awareness; for this clarity; for the truth....

I love you....

The pact...

I've made with myself is holding strong. Haven't written in a while and wish I had the time. But the whirlwind will pass. It always does... :-)

a simple evening...

In my own little world after a long day... I-Pod playing "Sweet Jane" by Velvet Underground... Nostalgia with a gentle smile.... :-)

Feels nice to let things be....

Savoring the moment of rare serenity....

Happy Birthday...

A day to celebrate a wonderful man that God created; a kind blessing to an unkind world... Today is about him, and only him... He deserves that.

Happy Birthday, D. No matter what happens, I'll always love you...

Fight...

First very very big fight after a long time... so angry... so alone...

I hate it...

an observation...

While having a cigarette earlier this afternoon, I saw a family walking down the sidewalk just outside of my office building; a mother, a father, and a toddler no more than three years old... I wondered to myself how they're doing... They seemed happy and alive, but I couldn't help thinking that nothing is what it seems... I've become so cynical, almost losing that streak of optimism that once thrived. I don't like the feeling...I despise it, will fight it, and rip it out of my being...I refuse to give in...to give up that fire...the passion that makes me be; that feeds my soul...

I'm trying... God only knows how much I'm trying...

Free...

Free…free to feel good, to choose, to laugh, to cry, to love, to smile…
I’m feeling it... No guilt, no regrets, no shame… No control over my mind and heart, letting them be as they choose to be.....
They feel what they feel…so why fight? Why conflict? Why deny? Why analyze? Just let them be…
Life’s too fucking short…

Enlivening....

It's one of those days where everything is going at a thousands miles an hour... meeting, calls, discrepancies, deadlines...

I live for this... absolutely live for it....

maybe sad for some but fabulously exhilarating...

Alone....

...The house feels empty and still. Although only gone for a few days, knowing that he won't be coming home tonight makes everything feel bare and cold....eating alone, thinking alone, and sleeping alone.... By choice, this kind of solitude brings serenity to my mind and heart, but when out of my hands, they feel bleak and very lonely, craving caring warmth and genuine comfort...

Grey...

....Misty rain, fog, grey, and cold... As an old friend calls it - "slit your wrists" kind of weather. The world outside looks miserably drab, depressed, and dead, bringing back many vivid, undesirable memories... Memories of fear, helplessness, violence; memories I've tried so hard to erase...

Why is it that these memories can never be forgotten, laying dormant, detonating when least expected....yet pleasant remembrances become distant almost instantly?

Funny how the mind works....

Mama and Papa, I love you

I just spoke to mama and papa... Although Oceans and seas away, hearing their voices of comfort and familiarity allow me to shelve all conflicts and uncertainties in my life... Their words give me a strength unattainable by other means... Their laughs give me hope that all will be okay...

Although they live in a country surrounded by political and economic uncertainty, I never sense the concern in their voices... As long as I'm happy, they're elated. As long as their family is healthy, they're strong... Economics and politics will always fluctuate... Their devotion never will...

I miss them so much; their unconditional care, their love so rare in today's world.

I love you mama, papa... and hope that I can provide my family the joys and wisdom you've given me...I love you so, so much...

sleepless....

I can't sleep... nothing to write despite so much thought...

You....

You just don’t fathom…. Fathom the manner in which a woman’s mind and heart functions when amidst love… so fragile and deep, consumed by the very feeling and care; aware of the tender attention and need required… The way a woman cries for you, the way she effortlessly feels and empathizes for your troubles, both simple and complex, placing herself in your shoes; by your side no matter how far you are…

You say you love her…reiterate that you need her… Yet, can’t show it in constant action; in constant words... The life of everyday gets in your way...It deeply hurts knowing that you can place your feelings aside and go on your usual mundane routine, with or without her… It’s about you; your time, your needs, your wants…. If she makes you happy, that suffices…

But where does that leave this woman? Her constant giving, and thought about your happiness… Never wanting you to be alone, and showing you so in every way she can, risking her own state and needs…. Yet, she feels so alone; a feeling only sporadically elevated when you choose…

Frustrated, angry, and sad by what you can or maybe choose to give… Very few words can describe it; not enough tears can be shed for it…

She may just need to much; expect the unavailable, and ultimately.... you won't know what to say....

Blasted!

The truisms of life....

There are very few matters in life of great importance and realizing the possibility of losing them turns my world black right before my eyes; my soul freezes, my heart bleeds, my mind cringes..... Our day to day lives are filled with triviality, superficiality, and tedium, all of which consume us to the core; hypnotizing our very being; dictating our level of happiness and success; our confidence and self-worth, leaving us with constant greed, transient and misguided.... They make us easily disregard and forget the things that truly matter; the true and simple blessings given to us by God; the people who make us whole….

I've lost something valuable....lost sight, allowing the grind to consume me, taking along a piece of my soul that can never be regained… Like with every other disappointment in life; I have to live with it…

I just can’t help but feel sad by the reality….a sadness, which I can only hope will dissipate over time…

Thoughts on family...

I just finished watching a movie about a dysfunctional family brought closer together by a 700 mile road trip. Ultimately, the love and care all six members have for each other is unmatched despite their unique set of problems…The plot was emotional in a funny, sad, endearing, and real way. It made me think about my family - that through thick and thin, it never gives up on me... I thank God every day for this blessing I was born into, and currently have….

D came home from work this evening with a gentle smile and my favorite brownies... Simply stated, my heart melted...Not because of his smile, not because of the decadent treats, but because of him; his presence, his love, his loyalty...

This alone counts for more than anything. This, is family....

Things are slowly getting clearer in my mind. I just hope that I can forgive my conscience for all the wrong I've done....

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked…”

As Kahlil Gibran said “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight….”

Tears trickle down my face as I read these words. Their passion and truth summing up my whole existence…

An experience to remember

Making passionate love the other morning – an awareness that I haven’t felt in months…. This time was very different, all due to a vivid image, a silent voice, and an intense beauty, indescribable in any manner concrete…. A warmth so strong, a sensation so unfathomable, passion so moving…all from afar.

If it’s so very wrong, how can it feel so right?

I just felt the need to document this intrinsic experience; a gift revealing the raw truth of one’s inner being….Something I never want to forget…

One of the many feelings...

Trying to conquer the fear of my reality; extraordinary, unexplainable, uninhibited insanity... Silently crying from the pleasure and the pain, blissful tears well up from the sensation regained… My heart cries out louder than any scream, craving your gentle touch, that pure scent, those passionate dreams…

A feeling so intense, very few words can express, inundates my mind, my soul, my self…

Fear...

I can't write... my thoughts are blocked, unable to articulate the madness...The urge, the NEED powerfully exists, but I can't do it... Fear holds me back.... I despise this utter feeling of helplessness...

Liking vs. Loving...

Something I stumbled across today... although a bit cliche for the cynical, it relays nothing but the truth....

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Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.

The one you like gives you goosebumps but the one you love makes you laugh and sends shivers down your spine.

When the one you like cries, you feel sorry for them but when the one you love cries, you cry for them.

True love doesn't have a happy ending because true love never ends....

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Cheers....

Thoughts in solitude...

In my hotel room in Chicago... yet another time zone...just logged in approximately 15 hours of work today...Feel somewhat haggard but tranquil at the same time...I have my music (currently listening to Cold Play), my smokes, and my thoughts.... all to myself. No one else.

Thinking about how everything happens for a reason... apparently, every action transpires for the best although we can't recognize it at the particular point in time it takes place. I look back at my life's events... blissful, carefree, untamed, feral, poignant, dismal, inevitable, daunting, secretive, sinful... I question whether they were for my better.... Maybe...most likely... I'm still here which must add up to something...

In five years, I truly hope that I can look back to this point in time and say that I've learnt something....

Everything is interconnected... everything....

Here's to a New Year and everything I'm missing....

Yet another year...
Back to New York, back to the routine; the grind...

I miss mama, papa, and sis; their unconditional love, their smiles, their genuine laughs… I miss Beirut; the language, the culture, the freedom… I miss smoking while having my rare cup of coffee in the local coffee shop and in the nearby Starbucks… I miss waking up in the morning to a full house; to mom’s breakfast, to dad’s espresso… I miss looking out my window to snow-capped mountains and coastal views...

My heart aches I miss it all...so, so much....

So how did 2007 end? With tears, so many tears. With an empty void in my belly, with missing the loves of my life, with missing the warmth, the tenderness, the sweetness of home.

How did 2008 begin? With the phrase, “Happy New Year.”

Here’s to happiness, insh'allah…

Cheers...