Drifting...

Drifting...Drift racing... kind of like my mind... fast, high, smooth, complicated...

I've always wanted to learn how to drift but never had the guts to do it... Fear got the best of me, and to this day, I still regret it....Maybe there is still time...I truly hope so...

I remember when I was 13; first time I drove a car... one hell of a car; Papa's Alfa Romeo... We were cruising up the hilly roads of Beit Meri, with no reservations, just living the moment...Papa parks on the side of the road... I look out the window and see the beautiful coast of Beirut from the cliff, and smile. He takes the key out of the car, and tells me "Khidi"... in translation means "take". I looked at him smiling, thinking to myself that this was the luckiest day of life.

I got in the driver's seat; adjusted the side, and back mirrors, shift on neutral, foot on the clutch... (oh, what a clutch... tough as rubber, like most sports cars)... started the engine, and felt the power, which I hate to admit, was scary at the time. Fear is something I do not care and refuse to get along with...Papa told me to take a deep breath, and to follow exactly what he says... That I did, and 10 minutes in, I felt like I was on air... 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th……nothing mattered but the moment... Papa was laughing with such joy, and I felt like I was on top of the world, not only because I was driving, but because of the trust papa had in me; more trust than I had in myself...From that point on, papa knew I had a knack for cars, as did he. He taught me all I need to know about controlling a vehicle; making it yours; fully owning it regardless of toque, or horse power....

I took papa's Benz S500 out for a spin today around the hills, and all that went through my mind was the day I was 13... The moment I felt two unforgettable things: 1) the phenomenon of controlling a car, and 2) my papa's unconditional trust...

Distractions

Back home in Beit Meri, a small yet sophisticated town 20 minutes East of Beirut…. Feels pleasant; serene....

Papa... his genuine smile lights up a room just by being… That same smile welcomes me at the Rafiq Hariri International Airport. I am tired, jetlagged, and distracted, yet a glimpse of his emotion alleviates all… just for a moment… a moment I can only wish lasts a lifetime… We talk business, politics, economics, and cars; smiled, laughed, contemplated...

My mama… Tears in her eyes...tears of unreserved happiness and love… Tightly embracing her, my heart melts… Her touch so soft, so gentle, so maternal… Laying in bed, the crisp sheets warming up my skin… A sweet and familiar scent engulfing my body… The scent of mama…

Yet, my heart is distracted when it should not be… My soul consumed… consumed with the unknown…stranded in no man’s land ignoring what the past has taught… denying what the non-existent present possesses, and anxious at the fate my future holds…

Salty tears about to trickle down my face, unsure which emotion they are seeking to express… Hope they’ll be able to tell me one day…

Beautiful, rare, and fortunate, yet terrifying at the same time…

Cheers…
Off for a smoke or two…

A Dedication...

A dedication to the unforseen...

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses
- U2

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey
You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well you tell me things
I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee
Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee
Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around againDon't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee....

The Istanbul Airport...

10 hours later (Delta could really use some work with their International flights folks....) So here I am in Istanbul... a 3 hour connection before heading off to Beirut (which is relatively convenient given my usual 7 - 12 hour lags in Amsterdam or Dubai...)

Stepping off of the plane, I could smell the closeness of home... a unique mix of Cuban cigars, Marlboro's, and apple flavored tambak. I feel alive...almost...

Beirut, my love, here I come...

Salam...

Ignorant Mediocrity

New York à Istanbul à Beirut…

New York’s JFK airport, specifically referring to its Delta International Terminal since this is where I am… What a fucking dump, disgusting, disgraceful. Insolent attendants…swarms of people… lines at least half a mile long…a bit too seedy for my taste…(and note.. this is three hours ahead of my flight time to begin with….) I hate crowds, and oh do I hate lines… So, I recharged with a cigarette, and braced myself to what I know will be a very exasperating 30 minutes, which ended up being an hour and a half…30 minutes to get to a ticket counter… My passport; on its cover engraved Republique Libanaise… For the ignorant, the translation is Republic of Lebanon… SSSS automatically stamped on my boarding pass, no questions asked (If you don’t know what SSSS is, sorry)... 30 minutes in the security line and another to actually be screened…. frisked, poked, prodded, and stripped… and believe it or not, insulted. The boorish TSA couldn't read nor understand my passport… So a swarm of colleagues converged trying to figure out where the fucking expiration date was… And I hear the following amidst the cacophony of these four illiterates… “It’s okay… other countries are not advanced like us…” Maybe so, but at least their people can read a fucking passport you unacquainted fucks! Kis ekhetkon akhu sharmuta ya mneyek (sorry…refuse to translate…)

Finally done… an hour and a half later… Now I’m tired, most definitely nicotine-deprived, and just about to board a 10 hour flight…

Blasted!

The Cab Driver...

I waited in my building lobby for my airport ride to arrive. A few minutes late….the later, the better actually….I had my music, my cigarettes, and my thoughts to preoccupy me for as long as needed….I hate New York cabs, car services, and anything in between….I usually arrive to my destination feeling nauseated from either the smell of the vehicle’s leather-esque interior, the ear-piercing mobile phone conversations, or the abrupt ‘green light, red light, non-existent yellow light’ driving decisions (and more often than not, all three)…10 minutes after expected, the dreaded black sedan pulled up… To my very pleasant surprise, a lady came out of the driver’s seat… a petite lady no more than 100 pounds at 5’0… Her smile and gentle greeting uplifted my usual irrational anxiety… It felt refreshing… even safe (Dare I say)… She attempted to haul our luggage (literally over half her size) into the trunk but D, being the gentleman he is, refused to allow this poor woman to break her back over our material possessions… I get in the car, and just observe her; nothing else… Long brown, oh so straight, hair pulled back away from her face…faded black turtleneck under an even more faded down jacket…tight dark grey jeans with a rip in the left knee...but what I couldn’t help but stare at most were her small, delicate hands…. Her gentle long fingers lightly gripping this monstrosity of a steering wheel, determined to safely take us to our destination… I noticed a small sticker of the Ecuadorian flag on her dashboard, wondering what brought her here, and why… At least I knew two things about this lady… She drives a cab, and is from Ecuador… I wish I could have known more but being the introvert I am, did not have the energy to converse for the sake of indulging my curiosity… I couldn’t articulate in my mind why I was so tranquil by the situation though… I guess it’s those little pleasures of life I can call my own….

I closed my eyes, listening to nothing but the humming of the highway…The sunlight strobbing beneath my closed lids… I was warm and happy in my head, all because of my lady cab driver…

Cheers to you…

The existence of time

Something I came across looking through my past, written at an age supposedly innocent, simple, fun... I was 15...

"The present is going to be your future and is already your past... There exists no here and now..."
- KSS

Life in a nutshell...

Cheers...

Uninvited

This emptiness rapes my inner being…inner space constantly invaded by the uninvited…leaching off of the one thing…assaulting the only truth in life I’d like to call my own… My soul.

I smell you on me, uninvited…You lay next to me, uninvited…wake up next to me, uninvited… walk with me, uninvited… laugh and cry with me, uninvited….You’ve consumed…devoured…exploited something that was once a bit too pure…now tainted, dirty, untouchable…

Well fuck you. I'm not losing this battle, yet again. FUCK YOU!

...and a good morning to all….

Unsure

I'm tired... but can't sleep... Funny how the body works - a constant struggle between what its mind needs it to do and what it wants it to do... a topic for another time, when I'm a bit more lucid, if at all possible...

Feeling a bit empty but am unable to articulate why... maybe it's fatigue, maybe uncertainty, maybe it just is...

Sleep... lets give it another shot....

To end the night... or to start the morning with words so true, I'm envious...

"Hide" by Creed
To what do I owe this gift my friend?
My life, my love, my soul?
I've been dancing with the devil way too long
And it's making me grow old
Making me grow old
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
What are you going to do with your gift dear child?
Give life, give love, give soul?
Divided is the one who dances
For the soul is so exposed
So exposed
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
There is no reason to hide
No reason to hide

Crossing that line...and then some.

Been back and forth… back and forth on whether I should cross the line… cross the line from simple to complicated… that line that takes you places you sometimes just do not want to go… Well, I’m there… It’s been a somewhat different week... Contemplating about what my life currently is and whether it needs to change… This void eats at my soul… the very inner part of my soul that tells me that something is just…off… that something is missing… Can’t pinpoint it… or can I? Is it the mundane normalcy of every day life that the Aries needs to detach from? Is it the crave for something so unattainable yet when attained becomes mundane? Or is it just me? Passion can be your worst enemy, and right now, it’s my fucking war… battling between what is and what can be…. Lusting after something yet no clue what…

I have to thank you for making me think again… for allowing me to be me one way or the other… and more so, for allowing my passion to play with not only itsself but you…How can a war be playful? Fucking ironic...

The saying, “You always want what you can’t have” is an understatement by any stretch of the imagination. It should be changed to “You always want what does not and will never exist…” The mind imagines things that seem so perfect… but what exactly is perfection? An idealization of something, someone, somewhere. Once we attain the idea of perfection we have always wanted (if that's humanely possible), it becomes so…normal, imperfect… The vicious cycle of the fucking mind…

I’ve been mentioning the mind… What about its yang, the heart? It’s a battle that can’t be won, which is maybe why I’m so drawn to it…

Cheers….

and the battle begins...

….I’m starting again… starting to let out the inner being hidden for too long… Exciting, elating, liberating, yet deeply frightening at the same time... What shall escape from this damaged and very private mind… this sultry, convoluted, selfish, selfless mind (or is that just my heart…) Not sure...all a muddle at this point...

I’m hoping this will help me uncover the answers to so many unanswered questions… The ironies of my life…

Dedicated to the one who’s inspired me to start this… to start this vicious yet tender cycle belonging to no one… absolutely no one but me…

Black hole

The black hole in my belly has laid dormant for so many years; just now deciding to awake to something unreal…surreal…

Why? Stay asleep, simple, easy, uncomplicated! My heart pulsating to fervent thoughts, craving for an unsullied touch, my nerves trembling, my passion euphoric… Why? This shouldn't be happening… You exploded; dispersing an abundance of dangerous and starved emotions through out my dormant body…. My fragile heart can’t endure this quenching thirst…Is it able? Able to reach so far; able to surrender to the sweet, oh so sweet cravings…haunting me; ensnaring me…I’ve come this far… Please, don’t take my sanity away from me…. Whatever your intentions may be…
- KSS