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came home from work 20 minutes ago.... 8:30 PM on a Friday night…. D is away this weekend so I didn't really have a reason to shut down my outlook email and call it day... Coming home to me isn’t the most exciting of prospects… but I'm finally here... It's silent... I'm exhausted... The mental and emotional overload is enough to make any normal human being crawl into bed, fall asleep, and never want to wake up. The problem is... I'm far from normal...

I turned on the TV to CNN.... Funeral Blast in Pakistan, 20 killed in Gaza strike, Fighting stops aid for Darfur refugees, 'Chemical Ali' execution approved....

All so fucking depressing.... I turned the TV off, sat in silence, and closed my eyes... The thoughts, the feelings; all so overwhelming… I despise my actions for so many reasons… They’ve caused hurt… They’ve caused pain to good people…. To myself…

I’m exhausted… and far...very, very far from normal...

I'm sorry....

I'm so...so sorry, D.... Amidst the sorrow and the guilt, I've never been more awake, never been more sentient in my entire life...

I am unreservedly thankful for this awareness; for this clarity; for the truth....

I love you....

The pact...

I've made with myself is holding strong. Haven't written in a while and wish I had the time. But the whirlwind will pass. It always does... :-)

a simple evening...

In my own little world after a long day... I-Pod playing "Sweet Jane" by Velvet Underground... Nostalgia with a gentle smile.... :-)

Feels nice to let things be....

Savoring the moment of rare serenity....

Happy Birthday...

A day to celebrate a wonderful man that God created; a kind blessing to an unkind world... Today is about him, and only him... He deserves that.

Happy Birthday, D. No matter what happens, I'll always love you...

Fight...

First very very big fight after a long time... so angry... so alone...

I hate it...

an observation...

While having a cigarette earlier this afternoon, I saw a family walking down the sidewalk just outside of my office building; a mother, a father, and a toddler no more than three years old... I wondered to myself how they're doing... They seemed happy and alive, but I couldn't help thinking that nothing is what it seems... I've become so cynical, almost losing that streak of optimism that once thrived. I don't like the feeling...I despise it, will fight it, and rip it out of my being...I refuse to give in...to give up that fire...the passion that makes me be; that feeds my soul...

I'm trying... God only knows how much I'm trying...

Free...

Free…free to feel good, to choose, to laugh, to cry, to love, to smile…
I’m feeling it... No guilt, no regrets, no shame… No control over my mind and heart, letting them be as they choose to be.....
They feel what they feel…so why fight? Why conflict? Why deny? Why analyze? Just let them be…
Life’s too fucking short…