Enlivening....

It's one of those days where everything is going at a thousands miles an hour... meeting, calls, discrepancies, deadlines...

I live for this... absolutely live for it....

maybe sad for some but fabulously exhilarating...

Alone....

...The house feels empty and still. Although only gone for a few days, knowing that he won't be coming home tonight makes everything feel bare and cold....eating alone, thinking alone, and sleeping alone.... By choice, this kind of solitude brings serenity to my mind and heart, but when out of my hands, they feel bleak and very lonely, craving caring warmth and genuine comfort...

Grey...

....Misty rain, fog, grey, and cold... As an old friend calls it - "slit your wrists" kind of weather. The world outside looks miserably drab, depressed, and dead, bringing back many vivid, undesirable memories... Memories of fear, helplessness, violence; memories I've tried so hard to erase...

Why is it that these memories can never be forgotten, laying dormant, detonating when least expected....yet pleasant remembrances become distant almost instantly?

Funny how the mind works....

Mama and Papa, I love you

I just spoke to mama and papa... Although Oceans and seas away, hearing their voices of comfort and familiarity allow me to shelve all conflicts and uncertainties in my life... Their words give me a strength unattainable by other means... Their laughs give me hope that all will be okay...

Although they live in a country surrounded by political and economic uncertainty, I never sense the concern in their voices... As long as I'm happy, they're elated. As long as their family is healthy, they're strong... Economics and politics will always fluctuate... Their devotion never will...

I miss them so much; their unconditional care, their love so rare in today's world.

I love you mama, papa... and hope that I can provide my family the joys and wisdom you've given me...I love you so, so much...

sleepless....

I can't sleep... nothing to write despite so much thought...

You....

You just don’t fathom…. Fathom the manner in which a woman’s mind and heart functions when amidst love… so fragile and deep, consumed by the very feeling and care; aware of the tender attention and need required… The way a woman cries for you, the way she effortlessly feels and empathizes for your troubles, both simple and complex, placing herself in your shoes; by your side no matter how far you are…

You say you love her…reiterate that you need her… Yet, can’t show it in constant action; in constant words... The life of everyday gets in your way...It deeply hurts knowing that you can place your feelings aside and go on your usual mundane routine, with or without her… It’s about you; your time, your needs, your wants…. If she makes you happy, that suffices…

But where does that leave this woman? Her constant giving, and thought about your happiness… Never wanting you to be alone, and showing you so in every way she can, risking her own state and needs…. Yet, she feels so alone; a feeling only sporadically elevated when you choose…

Frustrated, angry, and sad by what you can or maybe choose to give… Very few words can describe it; not enough tears can be shed for it…

She may just need to much; expect the unavailable, and ultimately.... you won't know what to say....

Blasted!

The truisms of life....

There are very few matters in life of great importance and realizing the possibility of losing them turns my world black right before my eyes; my soul freezes, my heart bleeds, my mind cringes..... Our day to day lives are filled with triviality, superficiality, and tedium, all of which consume us to the core; hypnotizing our very being; dictating our level of happiness and success; our confidence and self-worth, leaving us with constant greed, transient and misguided.... They make us easily disregard and forget the things that truly matter; the true and simple blessings given to us by God; the people who make us whole….

I've lost something valuable....lost sight, allowing the grind to consume me, taking along a piece of my soul that can never be regained… Like with every other disappointment in life; I have to live with it…

I just can’t help but feel sad by the reality….a sadness, which I can only hope will dissipate over time…

Thoughts on family...

I just finished watching a movie about a dysfunctional family brought closer together by a 700 mile road trip. Ultimately, the love and care all six members have for each other is unmatched despite their unique set of problems…The plot was emotional in a funny, sad, endearing, and real way. It made me think about my family - that through thick and thin, it never gives up on me... I thank God every day for this blessing I was born into, and currently have….

D came home from work this evening with a gentle smile and my favorite brownies... Simply stated, my heart melted...Not because of his smile, not because of the decadent treats, but because of him; his presence, his love, his loyalty...

This alone counts for more than anything. This, is family....

Things are slowly getting clearer in my mind. I just hope that I can forgive my conscience for all the wrong I've done....

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked…”

As Kahlil Gibran said “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight….”

Tears trickle down my face as I read these words. Their passion and truth summing up my whole existence…

An experience to remember

Making passionate love the other morning – an awareness that I haven’t felt in months…. This time was very different, all due to a vivid image, a silent voice, and an intense beauty, indescribable in any manner concrete…. A warmth so strong, a sensation so unfathomable, passion so moving…all from afar.

If it’s so very wrong, how can it feel so right?

I just felt the need to document this intrinsic experience; a gift revealing the raw truth of one’s inner being….Something I never want to forget…

One of the many feelings...

Trying to conquer the fear of my reality; extraordinary, unexplainable, uninhibited insanity... Silently crying from the pleasure and the pain, blissful tears well up from the sensation regained… My heart cries out louder than any scream, craving your gentle touch, that pure scent, those passionate dreams…

A feeling so intense, very few words can express, inundates my mind, my soul, my self…

Fear...

I can't write... my thoughts are blocked, unable to articulate the madness...The urge, the NEED powerfully exists, but I can't do it... Fear holds me back.... I despise this utter feeling of helplessness...

Liking vs. Loving...

Something I stumbled across today... although a bit cliche for the cynical, it relays nothing but the truth....

-----

Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.

The one you like gives you goosebumps but the one you love makes you laugh and sends shivers down your spine.

When the one you like cries, you feel sorry for them but when the one you love cries, you cry for them.

True love doesn't have a happy ending because true love never ends....

-----

Cheers....

Thoughts in solitude...

In my hotel room in Chicago... yet another time zone...just logged in approximately 15 hours of work today...Feel somewhat haggard but tranquil at the same time...I have my music (currently listening to Cold Play), my smokes, and my thoughts.... all to myself. No one else.

Thinking about how everything happens for a reason... apparently, every action transpires for the best although we can't recognize it at the particular point in time it takes place. I look back at my life's events... blissful, carefree, untamed, feral, poignant, dismal, inevitable, daunting, secretive, sinful... I question whether they were for my better.... Maybe...most likely... I'm still here which must add up to something...

In five years, I truly hope that I can look back to this point in time and say that I've learnt something....

Everything is interconnected... everything....

Here's to a New Year and everything I'm missing....

Yet another year...
Back to New York, back to the routine; the grind...

I miss mama, papa, and sis; their unconditional love, their smiles, their genuine laughs… I miss Beirut; the language, the culture, the freedom… I miss smoking while having my rare cup of coffee in the local coffee shop and in the nearby Starbucks… I miss waking up in the morning to a full house; to mom’s breakfast, to dad’s espresso… I miss looking out my window to snow-capped mountains and coastal views...

My heart aches I miss it all...so, so much....

So how did 2007 end? With tears, so many tears. With an empty void in my belly, with missing the loves of my life, with missing the warmth, the tenderness, the sweetness of home.

How did 2008 begin? With the phrase, “Happy New Year.”

Here’s to happiness, insh'allah…

Cheers...